Babies. Oh babies.
It’s no surprise that babies are something I think about often. I’m married. I just turned 30 (ah!). Most of Kevin’s friends already have kids. My friends are starting to as well.
(not that Kevin’s friends aren’t my friends too, but you know what I mean).
The other day my friend Jessica wrote about her baby fever, and it got me thinking about my own baby fever.
Because the thing is, I don’t have it.
Not yet. Not even a little bit.
There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that I want kids. I’ve known this my whole life, and I’ve never questioned it. When I think about my future, kids are most certainly a part of it.
But, well, I don’t want them right now.
The other night one of my friends (who shall remain nameless, but she knows who she is) told me that she wanted to be pregnant by the end of the year. She is not currently trying to get pregnant, but she has babies on the brain and she wants one. She wants one soon.
This friend and I have always been on the same page when it came to certain things… moving in with our boyfriends, marriage, etc., etc., so I think we both assumed that naturally we would be ready for kids around the same time.
So her telling me that she wanted to be pregnant by 2014? It kind of sort of sent me into a small panic, because it made me feel like I too should be wanting a baby!
And the thing is… I just don’t. Not now.
Of course, there are moments when I see an adorable little babe and suddenly I start to daydream about how great it will be to have one of my own. But all it takes is one simple reference to a “diaper blowout” and any fever that may have been rising is squashed completely. If your ovaries are aching, just go spend a few minutes on the site STFU Parents and let me know how you’re feeling now.
I’ve yet to get this baby fever that so many people speak of, and I’m starting to worry… what if I never do?
Any desire I currently have is driven more by my biological time clock than actual want. Like I said, I just turned 30. Kevin is already 36. We are not getting any younger. I know enough about reproductive health to know that my fertility is decreasing with each passing year. Half of my brain says “you are only 30! You have so much time” and the other half screams “you are already 30! Time is running out!“
But still… I’m just not ready to have that in my life. My desire to travel, drink alcoholic beverages, sleep-in, and eat fancy dinners out far outweighs my current desire to have a kid, and lately that has been making me a little nervous.
Am I too selfish to have a kid?
What if I never get baby fever?
And then of course the worst fear of all trickles in… what if when I do, I’ve waited too long and things are a lot more difficult than they would have been earlier?
I know everyone is different. Everyone has a different time frame. I think that part of it could be that most of my close girlfriends do not have kids yet.
Perhaps when they do, things will change? Perhaps then I’ll be struck with this infamous baby fever?
I hope so. I want to want a baby.
When we do decide to have kids, I want Kevin and me to both be super over-the-moon ridiculously excited about it. Right now, we are not there. Though neither one of us is against the idea of having a kid at this moment in our lives, there are other things we’d like to do more.
What about you? Do you have baby fever? Did you ever have baby fever?
Are you like me and worried you’re never going to have it?
Please, make me feel normal!